Day 99:: Wisdom

What a fresh reminder of my GREAT need for Your wisdom, Oh God.

I need your wisdom when I am completely overwhelmed and stressed to the point of breaking.
I need your wisdom when I am frustrated with others and do not know how to react.
I need your wisdom when I feel like I am right and someone else is wrong.
I need your wisdom when I know I am wrong and someone else is right.
I need your wisdom to carry me through times in the shadows, when your direction is unclear.
I need your wisdom when I feel torn in every direction.
I need your wisdom when I want everyone else to be happy and end up being the one sad.
I need YOUR wisdom.

Please shelter me, oh God, with YOUR wisdom.

Day 93:: My Guardian

"God's your guardian, Betsy, right at your side to protect you."
Where does my strength come from? THIS is what it's supposed to be about. God is my protector and guardian. Everything in my life He has allowed and everything not in my life He has chosen not to be there. Oh, God, teach me to trust. Help me to live each day, believing you ARE my guardian and protector.

Day 92:: Your Word

(I'm back!!!!)

I loved reading this passage in The Message...I'd never done that before. I suppose it was refresshing because I'd grown used to them in the other translations.

"By your words I can see where I'm going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path." I love that illustration. They don't throw all the house lights on so I can see all that is around me and where I'll end up...they throw a light on the PATH that is otherwise dark...a PATH is a single-direction...a PATH heads ONE WAY to ONE PLACE...and with light on it, I can head in the SINGLE direction God is leading me to the place He wants me to be. The concern here isn't to have everything KNOWN or the future assured, it is to "see where I'm going." As I prayed through this Psalm, I was so thankful that I have this tool to use to SEE the path God has laid out for me and not to stumble and lose the path because of darkness. It reminds me of hiking in the dark. The summer I worked in Colorado we did tons of sunrise and sunset hikes so you ended up walking either up or down in complete darkness...except your handy dandy flashlight. The flashlight did not show you all of your surroundings, so you couldn't be sure if there were creatures roaming around you and you definitely couldn't evaluate any alternate paths...you could just see step after step ahead on the path that was promised to be successful...and so you USED your flashlight (duh!) and you stayed on the path (duh!) because it was so incredibly dark and dangerous if you didn't.

Can I think about my life like that? That I need to USE my flashlight and I need to stay on God's path because it is so incredibly dark and dangerous if I don't?

Thank you God, for your Light!

Day 85:: Salivating

I realized something about myself today. I do have a sincere, intense hunger for God...in a way. I hunger for more understanding and knowledge of Him, not in a trivia way but still in a very intellectual way...in a deep and deeper way. I like to "eat my fill of prime rib and gravy..." but then, what I realized is the way I consume it does not always leave me smacking my lips and shouting praises. It's kind of like I like to collect these deep thoughts, these theories, these words...I like to meditate on them...I like to think...a lot...but I need to make sure that all of even THIS is to the glory of God, which means that even all of this understanding-God-driven-passion leads to WORSHIPPING Him, not pride...and leads to PRAISING HIM, not just intellectualizing. I suppose what I mean is that I need to become a person that can't get enough of GOD, rather than the person I can be sometimes...can't get enough of an idea, a theology, an understanding, etc. I know this probably makes sense to NO ONE but me, but its out there anyway.

Day 83:: Set

"Lord the one and only - Everything I need comes from Him - I'm set for life."

This makes perfect sense, but is so hard to implement as a lifestyle of trust.

Lord, may I know AND LIVE as if you you are the one and only with ALL that I need...for LIFE.

Day 82:: Scary

This passage is scary to me. "He's looking for...just one God-ready woman. He comes up empty...USELESS, unshepherded sheep, taking turns pretending to be the Shepherd...treating people like a fast-food meal over which they're too busy to pray?" It almost sounds absurd. Almost. But then, I realize its scary because it is 21st century westernized Christianity. We have more unshepherded (undiscipled) sheep running around wanting to be in charge or in control that our churches are looking for products...quick and cheap. Produce new births and make it snappy. But God is looking for one GOD-READY man or woman, and He's having quite the search. To be God-ready must be a lot harder than running a production line or being in control. Being God-ready means ready to let God do His thing...letting God be the shepherd and asking people to recognize Him alone as the shepherd and choosing to grow. It's scary, too, because how often am I God-ready? How often during my day, am I ready to be evaluated or allow God to walk into my office, home, or car? And, if someone came in to evaluate my life today, would I be among the unshepherded flock...looking for fast-food results? Or, would I be following the One who knows the only way to the water? Oh, God - shepherd me. Ready me. Guide me. Disciple me. Thank you for loving me.

Day 81:: Scrubbing

"Soak me...scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life."
I love the word pictures in this passage of sanctification and holiness. Sancitification is no quick rinse with hand-sanitizer...it is a soaking and scrubbing process that the Lord instills in our souls...and we are changed. It's not about sanitizing but making new.
"Shape a Genesis week from the chaos in my life."
Lord, make new beginnings out of the old, stale parts of my life. Make beauty out of pain. Make holiness out of this earthling.
"Do not fail to breathe your holiness into me."
I need YOUR life in ME just as much as I need each breath that comes in and out of my body. Without your holiness and righteousness, I am nothing.

Day 80:: Safety

It's hard for me to think of God as "safe," partly because I know that regardless of my faith, I am not really "safe" from evil in this dangerous world. Great men and women of faith have still fallen when their home filled with fire or the gunshot hit the heart. Being a Christian, I know, does not make my physical life safe. And God does not keep me physically alive because of my relationship with Him (though some may think so or allude to that "truth"). If He did, though, why doesn't He keep the great Christian down the pew from me alive just as long (or vice versa)? But what I do know is that God keeps me safe in His arms. That where I am (when I am following Him) is exactly where I need to be, where He wants me to be, and where I can claim safety. In His arms, I never have to worry about true death or evil overtaking me, because He has redeemed me with His everlasting life. So I think that is why the Psalmist wants me to look at God, the High God, above politics, above everything...to remember that He is in control and that He is fighting for our best and that He is protecting us in the exact way we need to be protected. I think all of my anxious thoughts and concerns can definitely rest on that.

Day 79:: Celebrating

"I live and breathe God."

The picture in my head of this psalmist is head back, shoulders thrown back, hair flying in the wind, and steady deep breaths in and out....someone resting and enjoying being in the presence of God.

But its hard to always be like that. It's hard to just "hear this and be happy." It is hard to bless God every chance I get...mostly because I'm too concerned with my own concerns, worries, or finding a way to bless myself.

This week, I would like to learn to "open my mouth and taste...to open my eyes and see...how good God is."

Oh, God, I run to YOU.

Day 72-78:: Review

Michelle just had to apologize for a font, but I have to apologize for skipping out on blogging for like 5+ days when I let my traveling and holiday get the best of me.

A short synopsis review:
Psalms: a portrait of our GREAT God and our GREAT need for Him and our GREAT opportunity to personally converse with Him about REAL life. I want to have the relationship with the Lord we have seen so far...I want to know our Great God, and I want to be beautiful in His sight.

Day 69 & 70:: Interacting with God (in the silence & awe)

Day 69:: Interacting with God in the Silence (I did it yesterday, typing today)
I have felt this way before...that in the middle of a situation, circumstance, or decision that I desperately need the Lord's direction, help, or WORDS for...I hear nothing, I feel nothing, and I think I have nothing. But that is where I go wrong. For I have everything. I have the assurance that my God is still God, that my God is good in the middle of that very situation or circumstance and whatever decision I make....that my God is sovereign in spite of my inefficiencies. What I learn most from Job here is to know that God is there and actually to BE WITH HIM in the silence. I might not know WHY He's not talking, but I can know He's there...being exactly who I need at that moment. After all, he is the one who knows what I need...I am not.

Day 70:: Interacting with God in Awe
What a beautiful version of the Creation Story! What an amazing and wonderful and powerful and might and HOLY God we serve. I am also completely humbled by this story. Where was I when God created the world? I was a mere tiny tiny part of that creation. Will I continue to let Him be the Creator and Maker of my world and my story...or do I crowd in with my own doubts, questions, and pride...asking God what HE is doing. He's the one that made my heart pump blood to every part of my body which makes my brain work that includes much more complexity than I can comprehend...you would think I could always trust Him with the little things.

Day 68:: Realizing

So my entire day has revolved around a situation I felt cheated in, a situation I felt to be UNJUST, something that I built the biggest pity party EVER around...

...and then I did my Solo. Wow. My cries for justice are literally drowneded out. Still valid. But drownded. "They rip off the poor...exploit the unfortunate...they shiver through the cold nights...the infants of the poor are kidnapped and sold." Oh, life could be worse. Instead of begging for a fair shake, I could be begging for LIFE or FOOD or SHELTER or a CHANCE.

I think because God found me HERE...totally absorbed in my own needs and "pain," He was able to open my heart to the raw needs around me. Those who need God's justice in their life, but need me to be His instrument of justice and peace. There are those without food that I could feed. There are those without parents that I could parent. There are those without new clothes that I could clothe. There are those who are hurting that I could comfort.

Too many days I spend so concerned on my own life being justified I miss all those around me that need HIS justice flowing from ME.

Day 66 & 67:: Talking & Comforting

Day 66: (forgot to blog) -- "Oh dear friends, take pity on me! God has come down hard on me! Do you have to be hard on me, too? Don't you ever tire of abusing me?"

This was really neat to read in the Message translation and to hear Job's pleas with his friends to let God be his convictor, judge, and ruler...and for them to be his...friends. The thing is, God (by His very holy nature) is in charge of conviction and ruling the circumstances of our lives. Too many times we as humans try to be God in the lives of those around us...we try to create conviction in their hearts, we try to preach the "truth," when all we are really doing is compounding the situation and leaving our "friends" hurting even more, battered and torn.

I also find it AWESOME that Job just happened to say "If only my words were written in a book..." I am SO GLAD they were.

Day 67: I do NOT know what to say to grieving, suffering people. I don't have enough words, wisdom, or knowledge. I'm not really sure who really does. So, when we're sitting across the table or on the couch with the person who is out-of-their-mind in grief or suffering, we have this choice...to fill the air with words (that usually, by the way, come out condescending, cliche, heartless, or empty) or to sit quietly (yes, maybe awkwardly) and just be with the person...continue to love the person...cry with the person...feel the pain of the person in your own heart. Usually, I think, to avoid discomfort of our own (ironically) or awkward pauses, we fill the silence with some "wisdom" we can drum up or something we've heard off of a movie. I think, if we were more concerned with how God wants to use us in that situation and focusing on the person and THEIR pain, God would be able to show us the doors into their heart...their hearts of emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical pain...and He will give us the GIFT of empathy to enter their world, and He will give us the words (if any) to say and the actions (if any) to take, and He WILL use us...if we are trusting Him...and ready...and willing to be focused on someone other than ourselves.

Day 65:: Lamenting

What I find most interesting about this passage is that Job never loses sight of God's holiness. In his pain, he might lose sight of God's love, justice, mercy, or purpose, but He does not let go of WHO GOD IS. I am encouraged by Job's honesty, and it helps me to see transparently into exactly what he is feeling. He's hurting big-time, and he doesn't know why. He can't see the other side, and he can't imagine the Lord's purposes yet. Who could. But he is still completely aware and completely all about God's holiness - that He is supreme, that He alone is strong, that He alone has a power and wisdom to rock your face off. And I think that's what I need to know right now. That's what we all need to hang on to. We're all going to be in a lot of pain at some point. We're all going to ask why. We're all going to think something is completely and utterly unfair, but will we still believe God is GOD?

P.S. DtO

We're talking about Job this week :) at DtO...as well as Psalm, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon...but a little bit of Job.

Day 64:: Comforting

Hope.
"He wounds, but he also dresses the wound."

Redemption.
"The same hand that hurts you, heals you."

Provision.
"He'll keep you...you'll be protected...live fearlessly."

May I speak the words of HOPE and REDEMPTION and God's holy PROVISION to those around me through YOUR LOVE, O God.

Day 62:: Showing Off

This is the first time I have thought of it like this but it seems like God is actually proud of Job and showing him to Satan as a masterpiece - like, "You don't think I have life-chaning power? Have you seen Job?"

God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed.
These would be incredibly difficult words to say in Job's position or in the middle of loss. But they are beautiful...and healing...and necessary...faith in God's GOODNESS in ALL circumstances.

Day 61:: Roaring

The king ROARED.

The king ROARED for Esther and for her plea and for her people.

My King will ROAR for me. Aslan will ROAR for justice always.

Day 60: Getting Sidetracked

Haman was so worried about getting affirmation from others he did not have a full awareness of himself or his situation. He was looking to his "outer world" so much to fill him up, he couldn't stop and examine his "inner world" and the trouble he was in. We can say he was preoccupied with Mordecai, but really, what it boils down to...is that Haman was preoccupied with fulfilling his own selfish desires SO MUCH that he could not have one moment to examine his own filthy heart. Because of this, he was days away from hanging on his own gallows.

How do I - how do you - spend so much time building gallows for others that we don't realize that is right where we are headed? How much time do I - do you - spend looking for acceptance or affirmation from others before I examine or consider the acceptance from the Lord? How often am I more interested in having others' favor or even others' imperfections before I examine the mess I am in myself? I think THAT was Haman's downfall. Mordecai wouldn't bow down and he let another person's choice and action eat him alive so much that he never stopped to look at who he had become in the process.

Lord, thank you we have the opportunity to practice self-awareness. Thank you that we CAN stop and evaluate where our heart is and where You are. May I never become too preoccupied to be fully aware of my own deficiencies, weaknesses, and needs.

Making Up Blogs - Day 58 & 59

(I have not been feeling well and have neglected to go the basement to type out blogs to go with my Solo...here they are!)

Day 58:
Lord, give me a true and overflowing ZEAL and PASSION for life in You so that the things I do outside of the ordinary are free from my own motivations, selfish ambitions, or deceit and completely full of YOU. Let me be a Nehemiah.

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Day 59:
The phrase that stuck out to me was, "May you were made for..."
Shouldn't we all say this and realize this? Maybe our circumstances are more than they seem. Maybe our situation is for a purpose we can't understand now. Maybe you were made for a bigger reason than you know. Consider it. Ponder it. Let it sink in. When I consider it, ponder it, let it sink in...my entire perspective is new.

Day 57:: Burdening

"What you're doing is wrong. Is there no fear of God left in you? Don't you care what the nations around here, our enemies, think of you?"

How many times have I lived without burden. Lived without the burden of my own wrongdoing, without the burden of the fear of God, without the burden of caring about the people around me, without the burden of representing the LORD to the world?

It is easy to separate yourself emotionally, intellectually, and physically from the repsonsibility and burden that exists in each Christian's life to make a difference and represent God's love to not only the people around us but the rest of the world. It is easy, but it isn't right. It is easy, but it isn't healthy. It is easy, but it is NOT "Your kingdom come..."

Lord, may I continue to carry this burden. May I continue to live with a healthy fear of WHO YOU ARE and WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE and YOUR LOVE FOR THE WORLD.

(I must be honest, I did this after eating two full meals today - a late brunch and dinner....but I plan to do the fasting exercise later this week.)

P.S. I love how we are right on target with the DtO stuff, too. Feel free to come to any of the Main Stages from here on out (they are every other week) where we will be moving on through the rest of the Bible!

Day 55:: Loving Me

Soundtrack: How He Loves & Your Love is Relentless by David Crowder* Band

I love how Ezra comes around (after sharing of his frustration of the sin of the the people) with a simple statement:

YOU ARE A RIGHTEOUS GOD.

I let that sink in.

In contrast to me and I am everyday, God is RIGTHEOUS. And He chooses to keep on loving. THAT is an undeniable miracle of life!

Thank You, Lord!

Day 54:: Coming Back

(Finally Blogging Friday)

We can CHOOSE to make new and different choices than our family or "ancestors." We aren't destined to struggle in the same way. We aren't vicitims of "family histories of..." We can start over today and clasp God's open hand. He will not snub us but welcome with compassion and open arms.

"Our Father in Heaven.
Reveal who You are.
Set the world right.
Do what's best.
As above, so below.
Keep us alive with 3 square meals.
Keep us forgiving and forgiven.
Keep us safe from ourselves & the Devil.
You are in charge.
YOu can do anything You want.
You're ablaze in beauty.
Yes. Yes. Yes."

He can do ANYTHING He wants and CHOOSES to WELCOME me back over and over again.

Retreating

Girls, I will not be blogging tomorrow or Saturday because of the retreat, but will try to catch up on Sunday with my blogging! See you tomorrow!!! :) Love....

Day 53:: Relying

Soundtrack: "Sufficient" by Adie Camp

"You went for help to the king of Aram and didn't ask God for help."

Sometimes I wish (and then quickly take it back) that God was still this forward about our sin, so we could see it and call it like it is...like the times we aren't fully relying on Him. I see them so easily in retrospect but not always in the present. I mean, what if God walked up to every Christian "going for human help when you could have God's help" and set them straight? Life and Christianity would be a lot different. Modern-day Christianity isn't too much about FROG...fully relying on God. It's somehow morphed into something about us. But, when you actually sit down and read the Bible or try to relate to God in life circumstances, He is all about each one of us FULLY relying on HIM...and when you boil it down, that's really about it!

Day 52:: Dedicating

Soundtrack: "It's All For You" by Cloverton (or whatever it is called)

I want to completely dedicate my marriage and role as Michael's wife to You, God. Even though we have done this together before (even publicly at our wedding), I want to do it Solo-style. Anyway, if I were to really view Michael as not belonging to me or "mine" but as God's servant and God's child all-the-time, not only would I be free to be a more loving, less-controlling wife, but I can also make every choice I do unto Michael as if I am doing unto God, because I am. Treating each other like holy vessels - I think that is what marriage is to be like. I dedicate myself to that pursuit.

(Sorry for a non-relating topic, but that is what came out of my Solo this morning...be what it may. Love you girls!)

Day 51:: Giving

"Everything we have is actually only being borrowed from God..." - Solo

Then its not mine to hold onto or be stingy with but its also not mine to waste away carelessly and its certainly not anything I should take credit for.

-but I liked to take credit for our money and what we do with it
-and I am sometimes careless with it
-and sometimes I hold onto it and hoard it

"But who am I...that we should presume to be giving anything to you? Everything comes from You; all we are doing is giving back what we've been given from your generous hand." - David

To me...tonight...this passage has a lot of significance to money, our finances, etc. It is something I am tempted to hoard, waste, or take my own credit for when in actuality, its Yours, God. I am only a channel that you are pouring resources through to reach the world...so when I make it about me or our home and either make selfish choices or begin to think and act independently of You, I am stealing from others what You so generously want to give.

In my mind, I really LIKE the idea of every cent we make in our home being Yours...but in practice, I try to have ownership (an extension of my control issue) and sometimes find satisfaction or fulfillment in it apart from You. I want to grow so that the most satisfying thing in my life is to be giving it all away...and...it IS...when I do it! So maybe I just need to do it...more.

Day 50:: Shouting

I want people to understand God is well worth praising...that He is completely good, full of grace, completely God. I want to shout it at the prisons and at the jails and at the homeless shelters...freedom for those in bondage.

God, I am so glad you are worth it, that you are enough. I don't know what I would do or what purpose I would have without you.

Day 48:: Linking

Linking arms with others isn't easy. It requires vulnerability, time, selflessness, and honesty. However, life without linking arms is more difficult than it may seem and makes it almost impossible for us to live the way God intended. David's men "helped him become king in just the way God had spoken." We need people who will help us become who God has spoken for us to be. We need people who will walk with us into new territory. We were meant to live in this interdependent way but Satan has skewed our ideas of interdependence with desire for competition, independence, accomplishment, and pride. Satan wants us all to believe that life is not about relationships.

God, I am weary and insecure in new relationships. They are scary and require so much of my energy. However, you want me to have Truth-speakers and Love-sharers and Grace-endowers in my life.

Day 46:: Investing

Soundtrack: "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman

Jehoiada led the poeple into covenant lives with God. Jehoiada protected the worship of God and trained others not only to follow hard after God but lead a whole people group into doing so.

Does Betsy lead people into covenant lives with God? Does she protect the worship of God and train others not only to follow hard after God but lead a whole people group into doing so?

How many times do I overlook people who could be influenced for the kingdom if only I was more intentional? How often do I lose the opportunity to affect others because I'm not living a life worthy of copying? How many times have I been too consumed with myself to lead others to God's feet? Oh, the missed opportunitites. Thank you, no-name Jehoiada, for your example.

(I like that Jehoiada was a no-namer in the Bible. Who had heard of him before? Yet his role was HUGE! Joash ended up becoming one of the greatest, God-fearing kings of Judah...and it wouldn't have been possible without Jehoiada's investment, faithfulness, and obedience.)

We are constantly surrounded by people who we can lead into a covenant-life with God and who we can influence to be more like Christ; that is, if we live covenant lives ourselves and live lives that draw attention to CHRIST and not ourselves.

Lord, may I be that kind of leader.

Day 44:: Soundtrack (P.S.)

Soundtrack: "I'll Take You Back" by Jeremy Camp

Yesterday, I couldn't think of a song that fit with what I was learning. Then, I was driving along to KJIL and there it goes...

I'll take you back.
Always.

Day 44:: Repenting

What's most important to God, evidently is that our hurts turn to Him in humility in repentance. In our culture, we put so much focus on and make such a big deal about our process toward repentance, the methods, etc. of turning to God in repentance. Yet, He shows here and in so many places that He is all about our hearts, and He stands ready with compassion and mercy...even for Ahab. God is compassion. God is mercy. He is someone we should adore for all He has done for us. He is a GOOD God.

Day 43:: Trusting

Soundtrack: "I Surrender All"

I want things to be logical and comfortable, not crazy beautiful like God does. So I don't like it when He asks me to do something against my human logic or comfort...to go to the Palestinian territory so to speak. Or, for me, to get out of my bubble. I like bubbles.

It was hard for me, when the book asked us to close our hand and open it, to do it. If you do this slowly and thoughtfully enough, you can actually FEEL yourself giving it up to God. What is my last handful? My pride. It all goes back to pride, everything I hold back from God goes back to my need for control over that thing. It hurts to give up the things we think we need ($, security, attention, time) and let God keep His promises to us.

But God does keep His promises and every time I have let go in my life, there has ALWAYS been a new hand full of flour. All of the sudden I realize my worries were so small and my God is so big.

I love how it said, "trusting God is a process," because it really is. If I'm not honest with You, God, I can't really trust You. God, I don't want to open my palm and all that it is holding. I will have nothing left except You, God. But I have to let go. I need release. I need to be rescued. I need so much grace and I need to give so much grace. I let go. I let go. Provide a handful of Truth for me each day as I let go. Let me rest in who YOU created me to be.

Day 41:: Idolizing

my Sabbath = Saturday, so Solo on Sunday :-) ...

My idols:
-favor of others
-"new" things
-religious acitvity
-myself (the book said, ANYTHING that takes our eyes off God!)

God, I totally value others' opinions and feelings of me WAY TOO MUCH. I don't think enough about what YOU are thinking because I get preoccupied with everyone else.

I also LUST after the feeling of "new" things - things that come with tags, sales, etc. - anything I get to check out and bring home with me. I can get too focused on acquiring and allow new things to fill a void in my life that is only meant for you. Ugh...materialism...how I hate thou.

I allow religious activity to distract me from the purpose of my religion: YOU. I get tired and worn out before I even get to WORSHIP. Lord, let it be about you.

Lastly, I am my own worst enemy. I can be my own greatest distraction. I can be too self-sufficient, set in my ways, and self-focused.

God, help me to in these places feel your "pinch." Help me let go and refocus on You. Let me come to You in true humility.

Day 40:: Wasting

Soundtrack: "It's All About You" by Passion

I can't help but think, "Maybe if you were more concerned, Solomon, with the state of your own heart and not worrying about whether or not God (who is faithful and good) was going to come through for you, you would have kept your end of the bargain later. But you didn't. God asked you simply for your trust and obedience and you spent your time making sure He wasn't going anywhere. Not exactly a picture of moving forward. It wasn't His faithfulness you should have been worried about."

Then I realize its a part of the human condition - we doubt God, we don't trust God, we question God, and beg God when He is the ONLY solid part of the equation. The only part we don't need to doubt, distrust, question, beg. He is the faithful one - His part of the bargain is guarenteed by His track record; yet, we fret. But our part of the bargain, the part about walking in obedience with God wholeheartedly, we are as flimsy as the wind.

Solomon's ultimate downfall was caused by his lack of concern for his part of the equation. His disobedience disrupted his relationship with the Lord and it disrupted the entire nation of Israel. God wasn't the one who slacked. Maybe Solomon should have been more concerned with his own integrity than God's. David did that. David was a man after God's own heart. He was about discovering God and letting God change Him. Solomon was about finding God, asking for blessings, and then not being willing to change (or even worrying about it too much).

In the places of my life, Lord, where I don't trust You as much as myself - help me cling to YOUR goodness and faithfulness over my own humanity. In the places where I have too much anxiety to trust, help me learn to walk in faith and obedience, knowing and claiming the Truth that You are GOD.

Day 39:: Dreaming

In some ways and places of my life, I have been like David and had to wait or give up on a dream. I realized some of my dreams were just that - MINE - they didn't fit into God's plan, because they weren't His dreams for me.

And, oh how grateful should I be!

Day 38:: Affecting

I think what I realized the most is that our actions and our sins affect those around us, and we are affected likewise. The consequences of sin can be felt by everyone. If I walked a day in David's shoes, I would be filled with guilt and shame here...but God does not let him sit in it...He sees how much PAIN David's consequence has caused. So He uses His power to stop it. We go through the consequences of others' sin (and our own) all the time. Think about 9/11 or Columbine, but even in these extreme circumstances, God is the same God and in the pain, He brings mercy and healing. Hallelujah.

Day 37:: Sleep

At my retreat a few weeks ago that I promised to and never blogged about, the speaker said many wonderful things. One of the most wonderful, freeing things he shared was that its okay to sleep when we're tired...even when we are in the middle of trying to encounter our God...or in the middle of Solo. So yesterday, that is what happened during my Solo. And that is why I do not have a blog. But Jesus helped me meet a very important need at that time in my life. I did complete my Solo this morning and will blog tonight.

Love you girls more than DR. PEPPER.

Day 36:: Puffing Up

Soundtrack: "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns

When am I most tempted to "steal the hearts of Salina?"

Disclaimer: True honesty shared below.

To be honest, (oh get ready) this is more of a constant temptation for me. I battle this temptation to find favor in the eyes of PEOPLE all the time, and I am probably much more consumed with doing that than finding favor in the eyes of God. Behind my temptation? Oh, there lies a deep need (or the illusion of one) for reassurance and confidence as part of this world; instead of holding tightly to the security and confidence Christ provides freely. I do, however, try to be a true friend and not a "friend-winner", and I believe I have many genuine relationships...but I know my concerns and desires for favor are many times not grounded in WHO I AM in Christ. These kind of feelings are exactly what lead to prideful talk or putting others down. This is not God's intention for any of us.

God, continue to tear away my walls of insecurity so I may walk confidently and live transparently for you.

Day 34:: Honoring

Soundtrack: "If We are the Body" by Casting Crowns

I definitely relate to David in his overflow of blessing and ability to share...however, I don't always follow through like he did. David had immense wealth and prestige and compared to many on this planet, I am very wealthy in many ways, as well. We are quick, as Christians, to talk of those who "Jesus reached out to"...the poor, destitute, sinful, rejected. But hundreds of years before, God has already begun His work in His children to LOVE others with GRACE....to LOVE others, to LIFT UP others, to put others (even when they are different) above themselves.

David wanted to give Maphibosheth a life where he shouldn't have to "shuffle and stammer." He wasn't taking him in for one meal because he had been friends with his dad. He didn't just let him "experience" his life - he gave it to him FOREVER. He wanted to offer him a life he didn't feel like he deserved but that would provide encouragement, confidence, empowerment, and life. GRACE. That's what I want to do. I want to offer life CHANGE to people, not just life IMPROVEMENTS or EXPERIENCES. I want to offer the empowerment and confidence people need through my words, actions, home, and resources that will hopefully point ultimately to God's GRACE.

Because of circumstances, David had the choice to weild power (get vengeance on Saul, feel powerful, etc.) upon Maphibosheth or yeild grace and love (offer life and provision). Over and over again, God chooses grace over a power trip in my life, and I am so grateful...and lucky. How much more do I have the opportunity to do the SAME thing for others?

God, continue to prepare me and use me to offer your life.

Day 33:: Reflecting

Soundtrack: "Not to Us" by Chris Tomlin

"Not because of who I am but because of who you are." - David

God, how in the WORLD did I get to this blessed place in life...far from the legalism, anger, depression, dysfunction that tainted my past? Surely not by my power, wisdom, or life...but yours. It hasn't been about me, by me, or for me either; it is out of your love, by your power, and for your glory. And for some crazy reason, I get to reap the benefits. You are a God abounding with goodness and grace. You have shown your power daily in my life - in the ways you have provided, in how you've broken down walls, how you have changed lives. The only thing more that I ask God is that you reveal more of yourself clearly to the people around me (including myself), and that you continue to establish your grace in this place.

Day 32:: Hurting

Soundtrack: "Broken" by Lifehouse

In pain or suffering, I usually either 1. collapse or 2. call my pain/suffering illegitimate (something I should be able to deal with without struggle). David is healthy, because he is honest about his pain and takes it to the right place. He doesn't invalidate his feelings or go completely insane (the two things I feel like I do when I'm in pain). I couldn't believe he was saying all those great things about Saul, though, after all he'd been dealing with the last few years...it astonishes me that after all that suffering he still had something good to say. But I think that's how God works. God wants to honestly know all of our hurt, pain, and suffering with nothing hidden - he wants to hear and understand every facet of of our pain. But he also wants to work in it...he wants to be alive in the pain...he wants us to be changed inside it...he wants to be our redeemer and bring life. David went through HECK, no doubt, but God used that to do a beautiful work in his heart, a heart that is far beyond our understanding and admiration today. We say, "How could he...?" when we should be saying, "Look at what God did!" This shows us clearly how important it is that we go to God in our suffering. We weren't meant to suffer alone. He wants to lighten the load we are carrying; ultimately, He wants to carry it for us.

Day 31:: Honoring

(I did Solo yesterday, but my blog is late.)

Soundtrack: CHIC Song - Help us love justice, show mercy, walk humbly with our God.

This is HARD. I feel like I am doing good enough many times with some people if I don't rip into them or let them know what I REALLY think. Yet, David chose to honor someone's life...a life that was seeking to kill him. Killing Saul would have provided for David safety, prestige (he was next in line to king), and immediate gratification. But David chose the hard way. How many times do I run for safety, prestige, or immediate gratification?

Day 30:: Trusting

Soundtrack: "Help Me Believe" by Nichole Nordeman

I'm actually surprised by how easily Saul is convinced by David in this old, familiar story. I mean, he was right about Goliath and David probably looked like a joke volunteering to fight him. Yet, Saul responded to David's faith and confidence with faith of his own. We always think of David as the hero here but Saul also had to put his nation into a little boy's hands. Talk about trusting God and others! I am not sure I would have reacted with the faith and trust Saul did, and God's ministry through David would have been hindered. Instead, I might have responded with worry, concern, or anxiety. God not only wants us to trust His heart but also His work in the lives of other people.

I experience small anxieties on a regular basis...I am kind of a worrier. I need to learn to STOP when my heart grows anxious, identify the source of the anxiety, picture that source as a wave in the ocean (as Solo suggested) and then picture Jesus walking on that wave. I like this idea, because you don't have to wish or imagine the source of the anxiety away (because the circumstances may not disappear or improve), but you can stop to remember that Christ has the power to rise above those things, and I need to remember He can carry me through.

Carry me, Jesus.

Day 29:: Bowing

Soundtrack: "You Are All I Need" by Bethany Dillon

I feel like Samuel sometimes, frustrated by others who don't trust God's Truth and try to convince or lead people elsewhere. But just as quickly, I can become the Israelites - wanting to blend in and be like everyone else. I know God gives us differences as His children for a reason; we weren't meant to "blend in. When I tried to fill in the "I want to be like _________" blank, I didn't have anything specific to write down at first. I don't have a specific role model in my life right now (even when I have longed for one), but I finally realized I could easily fill it in with "the world." How often do I want to have the things the world has, or look like the world, or live like the world? How often have I wanted to let the world rule my life instead of allowing God to be my King? It sounds so silly, but here it is again...the eternal struggle of TRUST.

Lord, help me embrace you as my King all of the time and live confidently as you have created me to live.

Day 27:: Hearing

Soundtrack: "Come and Listen" by David Crowder* Band

It's crazy to think Samuel could actually HEAR God's actual, audible voice (as we so often long to) but couldn't recognize it. Today, God speaks to us in other ways normally than an audible voice and we often need help to recognize it still...We really do need help from other Christians we trust in deciphering His voice. I love how SOLO pointed out that Eli had to point out to Samuel that it was God speaking; Samuel didn't know! (And he was a priest-in-training!) Let us allow God to use one another in our lives!!!

Day 26:: Welcoming

(Late to blog again, sorry)

Soundtrack: "Love is Here" by Tenth Avenue North

"Daughter": He is calling her family, despite the fact that he didn't have to...he is embracing her as his own and seeing the beauty in what God has done through her. He had heard of her goodness.

Strangers in my life might be youth on the fringe becaue they don't fit in or are different in some way. They might be extended family members that I feel so FOREIGN to in every way except the fact that in some way, we are related. I need to be able to embrace these people as my own, allow them truly to be family to me.

God, allow Michael and I to have a home that can be a home to any. Let us be able to embrace the stranger and alien with your love. Thank you for Your example in Jesus. Help our home be a Grace Place for all. Give me an awareness and attentiveness to the stranger. Give me the courage to embrace.

Day 25:: Killing

Soundtrack: "Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot

To be honest, I struggled with not comparing this story more with Columbine. I kept asking myself, "Since when does God say its okay for victims to kill others and then themselves...no matter what the reason?"

Was God interacting here, like it asked us to consider? Was he really supporting this out of His justice? And if so, why does Samson get to pick what he does and what happens? Why doesn't God challenge Him to forgive? Maybe He is simply letting Samson have his way...or maybe this is supposed to be a picture of God's justice on sinners and compassion for His followers at the same time. Either way, today was a struggle for me.

Yet, now that I think about it...maybe this is part of why Jesus had to come...to show how to live the unjust life with patience and virtue...to show how to forgive instead of find revenge...to ask God to be the God of justice on Judgment Day but find compassion while on Earth. I still find it sad that Samson wished for his own death. Painful, in fact. He was in pain, though, so much pain he wanted to DIE...because of these people, these horrible Philistines. And so, surprisingly, and in a funny way, I see this beautiful love story interspersed of how God loved Samson enough to "look on him again" and "give him the strength" to destroy these Pagan people. The Old Testament really is a place where I connect with our jealous God who doesn't put up with people who blatantly choose not to follow His ways.

Lord, look on me again and give me the strength to follow you all of my days.

Day 24:: Laying

Soundtrack: "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real

Laying prostrate before the Lord tonight was probably the best thing I have done in my spiritual life this entire week. Parts of me are broken inside, and I belong before the Lord.

That is all.

Day 23:: Taking Credit

(Sorry I am late).

Soundtrack: "It's All For You" by Cloverton

God didn't want there to be one chance that Gideon or his soldiers could credit themselves with a victory. He wanted the battle to be about His power, and so it was.

I think I try to go it alone a lot. I try to do good things FOR God (leaving me with a pat on the back) instead of letting God do good things THROUGH me (leaving Him with all the credit). In ministry (for me), it seems like every day is trade-off between these two. I am so inconsistent and am constantly facing the temptation to do things that make me look good or feel good or just are good - instead of doing things with the purpose to glorify God.

I have learned this lesson in HUGE ways this year and have felt at many times like Gideon...God stripping away everything in my life I could call my own or take any credit for...or areas I could claim spiritual "success" - what is that, anyway?

I am excited to watch the areas of HUGE things only God can do and see how He moves. I won't be surprised if it is ways I don't expect, either.

Day 22:: Wanting

Soundtrack: "Center" by Passion

For me, today was all about wanting...not necessarily living. I am still trying to figure out the transition between the two. How do I move from WANTING to live a life that fully worships and celebrates who God is to LIVING that kind of life? The human heart wants to be good many times but can't. We stand incapable of encountering God's righteousness...without His grace.

The Israelites remind me of Peter (who I most identify with out of the 12)...overzealous to overcommit with little follow-through. They want to say the right things and then live how they want. They want to say "God you are our God!" while they haven't let go of their foreign gods. This is an issue God doesn't take very well. He won't take lightly our fickle, wishy-washy behaviors and distractions. He's serious about them. Joshua makes them their own witnesses to their commitment so perhaps they could feel the weight of their words and understand what it means to make God their Lord.

Part of me wants to roll my eyes at Israel again while the other part of me is rooting for them. Afterall, they are just like me. I sing words (sincerely) to God in worship, journal commitments, make decisions...all for God and then so many times falter on what I have said. I feel like my heart is always like the Israelites here - wanting to worship God alone for all He's done...yet I need to come without qualification and with a pure heart (which I don't always do).

God, you know that so many times I come to worship you, I haven't left my false gods behind. So many times, I am just like Peter - screaming my love for you but not living out the love commitment of every second of every day. But God, I believe my heart is pure right now...I want to worship YOU! I want my life to be a picture of what it means to serve you and live for you. Show me how I can make this an "unqualified yes?" Show me what I need to get rid of...
-The pride that turns to insecruity
-The pride that leads to resentment
-The pride that leads to trusting myself
Show me the road away from these false gods today, Lord.

Day 20:: Inquiring

Soundtrack: "Come and Listen" by David Crowder* Band

I talked with God about some pretty serious attachments tonight and one thing I realized is that I often make these unhealthy attachments at emotionally vulnerable times. For instance, when I am feeling insecure, I become susceptible to attachments that artificially "fulfill" that insecurity. When I am feeling restless, bored, or insignificant, I attach myself to things that will give me a temporary sense of worth or purpose. Obviously, if I talked to God about any of these things in the first place, my focus would be reset, my vision would be clear, and my attachment would be primarily to Christ.

I loved the challenge today to INQUIRE of God. It really implies that we just don't know ANYTHING (which is true) until we humble ourselves enough to ASK the one who does. I definitely need to make a habit of coming to God for His thoughts, instead of being so quick always to share my own. Out of humility, I need to care what God says more than the world. I long to be so closely connected to Christ that I attach myself to only things that reflect Him.

You are our God of wisdom and grace.

Day 19:: Securing

There has to be some responses left out of this story, right? I mean, Joshua was just thrown into something HUGE & HARD & SCARY, and I bet whoever his best friend or wife was, they heard about it. If he was anything like me as a human, he would have felt inadequate for the job, fearful of the outcome, and unexcited about jumping into a series of battles. This is the cycle I live in when I am not trusting in the Lord: inadequacy, fear, disillusionment. I realized today, though, how insulting that is to God! He made me for His purpose and never promised an easy road; yet, there I sit and question Him!

So many of my fears are found in a sea of insecurity. Yikes! Today, I can be reminded not only to take His strength and courage but also remember WHO I was created by, my infinite worth in Him, and His capabilities through me.

God, remind me of your promise...that you are always with me and you will give me YOUR strength. Remind me that the purpose you have called me to is greater than my fear and your life in me is strong enough for anything.

Day 18:: Obeying

Soundtrack: "Take My Life" (Chris Tomlin)

Obedience. It doesn't earn us good standing with God or guarantee our salvation. It DOES show a Mighty God that we are serious about His ways...that we are going to follow Him with commitment and dedication. Therefore, our disobedience represents not only lack of commitment and dedication to follow the ways of a Mighty God but also a lack of trust (PRIDE) and lack of care (APATHY).

God allows consequences to be a natural part of our life so we can learn from our mistakes but also so we can be humbled. And sometimes it stinks. Like it did for Moses. If pride is behind disobedience (which I believe it is), then humility should LEAD to obedience.

God, may my life stop being orderly and pretty in my eyes and be full of wreckless obedience toward you...no matter what that means. May my words and actions be less of me and more of you. May I understand what it means to really be set apart and to allow Your holiness to change me. You've provided for me all these places in my life to grow in humility and holiness...may I embrace those, instead of pursuing my own happiness.

Today's Solo reminded me of a song from my childhood: O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E - Obedience is the very best way to show what you believe.

Day 17:: Spreading

Soundtrack: "Micah 6:8" by Charlie Hall

Wow. If I have ever been truly humbled, it has been today. Look at what God asks us to do! Look at how well he knows what we want to do! He asks us to give selflessly without agenda and take care of those who can't take care of themselves. He knows, though, that we want to look out for ourselves and look out for #1. Today, I was humbled to know not only does God ask me to do HUGE things that I often neglect, but also that He totally knows my game. He totally knows what I'm up to, even when I think I'm pretty good at faking it.

God, may I remember to spread the wealth...in every way I can. Share a smile when I feel like sharing a lecture. Cut back in the budget so I can give more to people who REALLY need it. Don't expect from others; instead, give to others! God, allow me to follow the example of your Son. Allow me to as you said, "Do what I'm telling you!"

Day 16:: Surrounding

Soundtrack: "I'm Yours" by Tenth Avenue North

"Live in His holy presence in holy reverence."
-I want to repeat this every morning when I wake up, partly because its catchy :) but really because it is a perfect motto for living. Live each moment WITH Him...respecting Him in all I do...glorifying Him ultimately.

"Follow the road He sets out for you."
-What great instruction. So many days, I wake up to follow my own road...not too concerned with God's particular direction for any ordinary day. Yet, when I have a big decision to make, then I'm begging for an answer. What if...I just stayed on that road EACH DAY...wouldn't I have more direction when I get to the forks in the road?

"He's your praise!"
-God is who I should find all my joy, excitement, and praise in life in. He is who deserves the praise for all things. And when I feel I don't have anything left to praise, He is still God and that is a HUGE praise!

"Cut away the thick calluses from your heart and stop willfully being so hard-hearted."
-God doesn't want anything between us and our relationship with Him...not any calluses, any of our wounds, stubbornness, apathy, or anything. God shows tremendous understanding for the human psyche here (He did create it, afterall). But he shows how complex it is and how we cover our hearts with defense mechanisms and masks or shut ourselves down to real love.

God, may I be aware of your presence surrounding me each moment of each day. May this strengthen my friendship with you and help us feel closer but also be a constant reminder of WHO I am living for. When I haven't chosen to acknowledge your presence, I have easily become convinced again that this life is about me. Lord, show me where my heart is hard and break me down. Here I am.

Day 15:: Listening

God's Words. I give them some attention, but not enough. I don't usually treat them like the Words of GOD, and when I do, I may listen but not necessarily obediently. It says here, though, to listen OBEDIENTLY which means HEAR and DO.

As I was getting ready for DtO last week (we are like studying the same part of the Bible right now), I read about God's desire for the Israelites to wear His law on their foreheads and hands. Evidently, the forehead represents what is inside (our thoughts, our hearts) and the hands represent action (what is outside). God desperately wanted His Words to penetrate the people's hearts, take over their thoughts, and become their actions. Then, he asked them to hang it over the doorway to their house, where they exit and enter. This was particularly interesting because it was like God wanted to remind them as they transitioned from the comfort of home to the outside world and back in to live for Him...to glorify Him in whatever setting they were in. These days, we have like 10 different worlds we operate in and its easy to carry on different lives in each place. God wants to be Ruler of our heart and life in each one, though. He wants His Word on our forehead, on our hands, and over all of our doorways.

The Old Testament is a very real picture of how God desperately wants us to follow in His ways. And it's not like He hasn't promised over and over again that it is best. Why don't we believe Him? Oh, we are just as bad as the Israelites.

Day 13:: Taking Refuge

God, thank you that I can TRUST in your character that says,

"I alone am righteous.
I am full of love.
I will see your sin justly.
I will deal with you in grace.
I will fight for you.
I will help you.
I won't forget you.
I am FOR you."

Day 12:: Sticking Out

What most impresses me about Caleb is that he sticks out. I think the most common disease among Christians (including myself) is the desire to NOT be set apart, to NOT stick out...even if the sticking out is for good reasons; we just don't want to do it. Caleb didn't just have a good spirit, he had a different spirit, it said. So, in spite of everyone else's desire to serve themselves or be mediocre, he turned his heart toward God. He followed God passionately...not timidly...not doubtfully...or half-heartedly...FULLY...WHOLLY...ran after God.

God, you have called me to live a different story. Let me live that kind of life.

Day 11:: Remembering

I am most likely to forget WHO God is, WHAT He's done, and ALL of His promises when things are on the up and up...when everything is going my way, when I slip, without notice, into self-sufficiency. I again become self-relient and God becomes an adornment that I wear, not who I live and breathe.

The Israelites had Passover for much of the same reason. God knew He was taking them from slavery to the wilderness to a "happy place": the land flowing with milk and honey. He knew they would need a reminder of where they have come from, of what He had done, and of their great need for Him.

My symbol of remembrance: My wedding ring / My day of celebration: My anniversary.
I made a covenant the day of my wedding with God and Michael to live together for Him. May my commitment band most remind me of what God has done and is wanting to do through and in us...ways he has worked in our lives, provided for us, used us. May our anniversary be about celebrating YOU in our lives, instead of ourselves.

Day 10:: Purifying

At first, I was repelled by this passage, wondering again why the God of the Old Testament cared soo much about staying away from this stuff and Jesus of the New Testament (God incarnate) hung out with lepers and prostitutes who probably had STD's. Then, I got it...I think.

There is this theme throughout the whole passage..."I AM GOD!" In the Old Testament with the Israelites in Leviticus, God is still establishing WHO HE IS in the minds of His people. He is HOLY, PURE, RIGHTEOUS. In the New Testament and today, we arrive with a clear picture of God's purity and holiness. That way, when we watch Jesus stoop to touch a leper, we can actually feel the great love that it takes...instead of seeing it as an empty, ordinary, nominal action. Instead, we see this huge, great God...in flesh...loving on anyone and everyone. We wouldn't exactly get this picture if God had not come among His people first to establish who He was and is. He is GOD. He is HOLY. He is RIGHT.

It all points back to God's overall plan to show the fullness of His glory to all His people, yesterday, today, and forever.

Two more thoughts:
1. God provided a pretty easy way for the Israelites to rectify their uncleanliness and make it right with God. It was direct disobedience alone (choosing NOT to clean when you knew you were supposed to in God's presence) that cut them from God's presence. Not as harsh as it sounded, maybe?
2. I HATE spiders, too, God. Thank you for including that in this passage of Leviticus.

Day 9:: Letting Go

I let my sins run off without me today. They are without me. I am without them. I can start over. I do not have to live in the shadow of these thoughts or actions. They are off by themselves without my justifications, rationalizations, or excuses. They are gone by God's Word alone. Thank you, Father.

I need to remember this when I remind myself of my failures. I need to remember this when I feel inevitability to repeat my actions. I need to remember this when I stumble again. Because I will. God alone is the remedy.

Day 8:: Sacrificing

I think God wanted to portray a concrete picture in the minds of His followers of the work of His grace through the sacrifices of the Old Covenant and the ultimate sacrifice of the New Covenant. This reason is why I think he asked for the sacrifices of the Jewish faith to be carried out in this particular and certain way. People at that time (and today) could have an actual picture of what it looks like to be taking the things that separate us from God, laying them at the altar, and offering our sacrifice (or self) to God as a gift. The priest, I think, provides a visual for and alludes to the coming Christ, as well.

Jesus came as the pure, spotless animal and was sacrificed on the altar to make atonement so all of US can be be forgiven. We no longer need animals or priests to make our sacrifices. Jesus wants US instead, at the altar, laying down OUR LIVES in exchange for His. Today, when we sin, we must sacrifice our pride and take up humility. We must sacrifice self-centeredness and take up selfishness. We must sacrifice our old self and live in a new way.

God, help me see clearly the sin in my life. Help me see every place where I am on the throne instead of you. Allow me to follow you more closely, so I will neglect to walk into sin. Thank you for sending Jesus as the Lamb for my sin offering. Thank you for the grace you give. Forgive me for how I have trusted in my self, have been judgmental or bitter, and have continued to walk in my own ways.

Day 6:: Revealing

"Look! Here is a place right beside me." : You have reserved a place for me right beside You, Lord and you invite me there today. You keep me in the safety of Your hand.

"Not a soul is to go with you." : You desire just me...and all of me...SOLO...before you. You don't have tolerance or desire for any distractions I might try to bring. You just want to deal with me.

"So much love, so deeply true - loyal in love for a thousand generations." : You are full of love and overflowing. Your plan of love and grace began at Creation and lasts for a thousand more generations. I am just as important to you and loved by you as Abraham, Moses, and David.

God, I want to take the place you have reserved for me at your side. Let me come there solo. Let me know the love that has touched 1,000 generations. God, help me see your many faces this year. Help me feel the many facets of your love.

Day 5 - Complaining

It's important to get things off our chest, but especially with God. Ironically, I know I most often bottle things up with God. I can vent at home or to my friends or coworkers, but God? No, He doesn't want to hear that. Afterall, wouldn't I really being filing a grievance with Him...since He is over...ALL?

But when we DON'T get things off our chest we build a layer of a mask and pretense that says, "I'm okay." Pretty soon, we have many layers of pretenses and many masks we wear, even with God, that hide our complaints, our questions, our deepest fears and that say, "Really, I'm okay."

When we break down these walls, we build intimacy. When we let God (or anyone else know) what hurts us, we open doors. When we share with Him our fears, we give Him room to encourage us, lifts us up, and provide the hope we need. When we hide, we leave Him no room to be who we need Him to be.

The Israelites needed God's provision badly and they had good reason to be afraid for their well-being, but they took their complaints to God....and he listened. I pray I can take my complaints to the right place, because only there can God use them to mold me, to change me, to make me who He wants me to be. And it is there, I find intimacy with my Father.

Day 4:: Watching

"Remove your sandals from your feet. You're standing on holy ground."

My interpretation: You have come into my presence, and I am surrounding you. Show me the respect that I deserve in reverence. Come before me without your own protection.

What about God's holiness?

My holiness sets a standard.
My holiness exposes your sin.
My holiness picks up my slack.
My holiness humbles you.
My holiness empowers you.
My holiness makes me God.
-God

It is in the quiet moments that God is waiting for me to notice his majestic holiness and saying, "Betsy, Betsy...come to me...uncovered...remember who I am...let me show you something."

Day 3 - Forgiving

to be the forgiver: is to see beyond how you've been wronged and see how God is moving; to quiet your heart, weep in the pain, and then choose to offer grace and life instead of more pain and death.

to be forgiven: is to receive undeserved mercy in the face of blatant sin or manipulation, to be covered with a love that hurts because it is so undeserved; to be offered life instead of death; to receive a new start and a new relationship.

forgiveness = love: Joseph's brothers did not come out of love. They came to him with the intention to serve themselves, provide a fraudulent message, and self-protect. God used their sinful words and motives, though, to inspire love in Joseph...to do a work in his heart. It broke him to hear his "father's" words and to come to the place where he realized God was asking him to forgive. He offered unconditional love and grace when he was able to say, "I choose to offer you life. God has not stopped loving and protecting me, so neither will I for you."

God's invitation to me: to those who hurt me or I am frustrated by, will I offer grace? Can I...forgive the sins of the servants of my God? Can I be a slave or servant? Can I take care of them and their children? Essentially, will I choose to forgive?

Lord, help me forgive. I choose to forgive. Give me your eyes and your heart for those who have hurt me the most. Above all, thank YOU for forgiving ME.

Day 2 - Wrestling

It is scary to let everything move ahead without you in life for awhile (like Jacob did), to take the time to stop and wrestle with God. And its scary to tell God what my heart is struggling with because I know, if I do, in the end, I will lose control and He will have His way with me.

Take control, God. Have your way with me...

Jacob says, "I'm not going anywhere until you bless me," and God says, "What's your name?"
God is reminding Jacob by asking him this that his name means manipulator & schemer. His name perfectly describes his past. "What are you trying to do, Jacob? Manipulate ME?"
Jacob was looking for all God has to offer without having to encounter Him fully or do as He wills. When the wrestling is over, though, Jacob is yearning for more and asks God what His name is. He wants to know Him more. "Who are you?" he is begging.

In the midst of my own wrestling, I cry out to you, God, wanting to know more of you...needing more of you right now, God...

Day 1 - Hiding

Lord, I hide from you. We all do. I hide behind my self-sufficiency. I hide behind my pride. I hide behind my desire to please you. I hide behind an "everything is okay" mask. Lord, break me down in the sinful areas of my life. I stand here, in this wide open space...here i am.

Solo Debut

I embark today on a 365-day journey through the Message devotional, Solo. Here, a daily thought. In my journal, the overflow. With dear sisters in Christ, I depart.