Day 46:: Investing

Soundtrack: "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman

Jehoiada led the poeple into covenant lives with God. Jehoiada protected the worship of God and trained others not only to follow hard after God but lead a whole people group into doing so.

Does Betsy lead people into covenant lives with God? Does she protect the worship of God and train others not only to follow hard after God but lead a whole people group into doing so?

How many times do I overlook people who could be influenced for the kingdom if only I was more intentional? How often do I lose the opportunity to affect others because I'm not living a life worthy of copying? How many times have I been too consumed with myself to lead others to God's feet? Oh, the missed opportunitites. Thank you, no-name Jehoiada, for your example.

(I like that Jehoiada was a no-namer in the Bible. Who had heard of him before? Yet his role was HUGE! Joash ended up becoming one of the greatest, God-fearing kings of Judah...and it wouldn't have been possible without Jehoiada's investment, faithfulness, and obedience.)

We are constantly surrounded by people who we can lead into a covenant-life with God and who we can influence to be more like Christ; that is, if we live covenant lives ourselves and live lives that draw attention to CHRIST and not ourselves.

Lord, may I be that kind of leader.

Day 44:: Soundtrack (P.S.)

Soundtrack: "I'll Take You Back" by Jeremy Camp

Yesterday, I couldn't think of a song that fit with what I was learning. Then, I was driving along to KJIL and there it goes...

I'll take you back.
Always.

Day 44:: Repenting

What's most important to God, evidently is that our hurts turn to Him in humility in repentance. In our culture, we put so much focus on and make such a big deal about our process toward repentance, the methods, etc. of turning to God in repentance. Yet, He shows here and in so many places that He is all about our hearts, and He stands ready with compassion and mercy...even for Ahab. God is compassion. God is mercy. He is someone we should adore for all He has done for us. He is a GOOD God.

Day 43:: Trusting

Soundtrack: "I Surrender All"

I want things to be logical and comfortable, not crazy beautiful like God does. So I don't like it when He asks me to do something against my human logic or comfort...to go to the Palestinian territory so to speak. Or, for me, to get out of my bubble. I like bubbles.

It was hard for me, when the book asked us to close our hand and open it, to do it. If you do this slowly and thoughtfully enough, you can actually FEEL yourself giving it up to God. What is my last handful? My pride. It all goes back to pride, everything I hold back from God goes back to my need for control over that thing. It hurts to give up the things we think we need ($, security, attention, time) and let God keep His promises to us.

But God does keep His promises and every time I have let go in my life, there has ALWAYS been a new hand full of flour. All of the sudden I realize my worries were so small and my God is so big.

I love how it said, "trusting God is a process," because it really is. If I'm not honest with You, God, I can't really trust You. God, I don't want to open my palm and all that it is holding. I will have nothing left except You, God. But I have to let go. I need release. I need to be rescued. I need so much grace and I need to give so much grace. I let go. I let go. Provide a handful of Truth for me each day as I let go. Let me rest in who YOU created me to be.

Day 41:: Idolizing

my Sabbath = Saturday, so Solo on Sunday :-) ...

My idols:
-favor of others
-"new" things
-religious acitvity
-myself (the book said, ANYTHING that takes our eyes off God!)

God, I totally value others' opinions and feelings of me WAY TOO MUCH. I don't think enough about what YOU are thinking because I get preoccupied with everyone else.

I also LUST after the feeling of "new" things - things that come with tags, sales, etc. - anything I get to check out and bring home with me. I can get too focused on acquiring and allow new things to fill a void in my life that is only meant for you. Ugh...materialism...how I hate thou.

I allow religious activity to distract me from the purpose of my religion: YOU. I get tired and worn out before I even get to WORSHIP. Lord, let it be about you.

Lastly, I am my own worst enemy. I can be my own greatest distraction. I can be too self-sufficient, set in my ways, and self-focused.

God, help me to in these places feel your "pinch." Help me let go and refocus on You. Let me come to You in true humility.

Day 40:: Wasting

Soundtrack: "It's All About You" by Passion

I can't help but think, "Maybe if you were more concerned, Solomon, with the state of your own heart and not worrying about whether or not God (who is faithful and good) was going to come through for you, you would have kept your end of the bargain later. But you didn't. God asked you simply for your trust and obedience and you spent your time making sure He wasn't going anywhere. Not exactly a picture of moving forward. It wasn't His faithfulness you should have been worried about."

Then I realize its a part of the human condition - we doubt God, we don't trust God, we question God, and beg God when He is the ONLY solid part of the equation. The only part we don't need to doubt, distrust, question, beg. He is the faithful one - His part of the bargain is guarenteed by His track record; yet, we fret. But our part of the bargain, the part about walking in obedience with God wholeheartedly, we are as flimsy as the wind.

Solomon's ultimate downfall was caused by his lack of concern for his part of the equation. His disobedience disrupted his relationship with the Lord and it disrupted the entire nation of Israel. God wasn't the one who slacked. Maybe Solomon should have been more concerned with his own integrity than God's. David did that. David was a man after God's own heart. He was about discovering God and letting God change Him. Solomon was about finding God, asking for blessings, and then not being willing to change (or even worrying about it too much).

In the places of my life, Lord, where I don't trust You as much as myself - help me cling to YOUR goodness and faithfulness over my own humanity. In the places where I have too much anxiety to trust, help me learn to walk in faith and obedience, knowing and claiming the Truth that You are GOD.

Day 39:: Dreaming

In some ways and places of my life, I have been like David and had to wait or give up on a dream. I realized some of my dreams were just that - MINE - they didn't fit into God's plan, because they weren't His dreams for me.

And, oh how grateful should I be!

Day 38:: Affecting

I think what I realized the most is that our actions and our sins affect those around us, and we are affected likewise. The consequences of sin can be felt by everyone. If I walked a day in David's shoes, I would be filled with guilt and shame here...but God does not let him sit in it...He sees how much PAIN David's consequence has caused. So He uses His power to stop it. We go through the consequences of others' sin (and our own) all the time. Think about 9/11 or Columbine, but even in these extreme circumstances, God is the same God and in the pain, He brings mercy and healing. Hallelujah.

Day 37:: Sleep

At my retreat a few weeks ago that I promised to and never blogged about, the speaker said many wonderful things. One of the most wonderful, freeing things he shared was that its okay to sleep when we're tired...even when we are in the middle of trying to encounter our God...or in the middle of Solo. So yesterday, that is what happened during my Solo. And that is why I do not have a blog. But Jesus helped me meet a very important need at that time in my life. I did complete my Solo this morning and will blog tonight.

Love you girls more than DR. PEPPER.

Day 36:: Puffing Up

Soundtrack: "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns

When am I most tempted to "steal the hearts of Salina?"

Disclaimer: True honesty shared below.

To be honest, (oh get ready) this is more of a constant temptation for me. I battle this temptation to find favor in the eyes of PEOPLE all the time, and I am probably much more consumed with doing that than finding favor in the eyes of God. Behind my temptation? Oh, there lies a deep need (or the illusion of one) for reassurance and confidence as part of this world; instead of holding tightly to the security and confidence Christ provides freely. I do, however, try to be a true friend and not a "friend-winner", and I believe I have many genuine relationships...but I know my concerns and desires for favor are many times not grounded in WHO I AM in Christ. These kind of feelings are exactly what lead to prideful talk or putting others down. This is not God's intention for any of us.

God, continue to tear away my walls of insecurity so I may walk confidently and live transparently for you.

Day 34:: Honoring

Soundtrack: "If We are the Body" by Casting Crowns

I definitely relate to David in his overflow of blessing and ability to share...however, I don't always follow through like he did. David had immense wealth and prestige and compared to many on this planet, I am very wealthy in many ways, as well. We are quick, as Christians, to talk of those who "Jesus reached out to"...the poor, destitute, sinful, rejected. But hundreds of years before, God has already begun His work in His children to LOVE others with GRACE....to LOVE others, to LIFT UP others, to put others (even when they are different) above themselves.

David wanted to give Maphibosheth a life where he shouldn't have to "shuffle and stammer." He wasn't taking him in for one meal because he had been friends with his dad. He didn't just let him "experience" his life - he gave it to him FOREVER. He wanted to offer him a life he didn't feel like he deserved but that would provide encouragement, confidence, empowerment, and life. GRACE. That's what I want to do. I want to offer life CHANGE to people, not just life IMPROVEMENTS or EXPERIENCES. I want to offer the empowerment and confidence people need through my words, actions, home, and resources that will hopefully point ultimately to God's GRACE.

Because of circumstances, David had the choice to weild power (get vengeance on Saul, feel powerful, etc.) upon Maphibosheth or yeild grace and love (offer life and provision). Over and over again, God chooses grace over a power trip in my life, and I am so grateful...and lucky. How much more do I have the opportunity to do the SAME thing for others?

God, continue to prepare me and use me to offer your life.

Day 33:: Reflecting

Soundtrack: "Not to Us" by Chris Tomlin

"Not because of who I am but because of who you are." - David

God, how in the WORLD did I get to this blessed place in life...far from the legalism, anger, depression, dysfunction that tainted my past? Surely not by my power, wisdom, or life...but yours. It hasn't been about me, by me, or for me either; it is out of your love, by your power, and for your glory. And for some crazy reason, I get to reap the benefits. You are a God abounding with goodness and grace. You have shown your power daily in my life - in the ways you have provided, in how you've broken down walls, how you have changed lives. The only thing more that I ask God is that you reveal more of yourself clearly to the people around me (including myself), and that you continue to establish your grace in this place.

Day 32:: Hurting

Soundtrack: "Broken" by Lifehouse

In pain or suffering, I usually either 1. collapse or 2. call my pain/suffering illegitimate (something I should be able to deal with without struggle). David is healthy, because he is honest about his pain and takes it to the right place. He doesn't invalidate his feelings or go completely insane (the two things I feel like I do when I'm in pain). I couldn't believe he was saying all those great things about Saul, though, after all he'd been dealing with the last few years...it astonishes me that after all that suffering he still had something good to say. But I think that's how God works. God wants to honestly know all of our hurt, pain, and suffering with nothing hidden - he wants to hear and understand every facet of of our pain. But he also wants to work in it...he wants to be alive in the pain...he wants us to be changed inside it...he wants to be our redeemer and bring life. David went through HECK, no doubt, but God used that to do a beautiful work in his heart, a heart that is far beyond our understanding and admiration today. We say, "How could he...?" when we should be saying, "Look at what God did!" This shows us clearly how important it is that we go to God in our suffering. We weren't meant to suffer alone. He wants to lighten the load we are carrying; ultimately, He wants to carry it for us.

Day 31:: Honoring

(I did Solo yesterday, but my blog is late.)

Soundtrack: CHIC Song - Help us love justice, show mercy, walk humbly with our God.

This is HARD. I feel like I am doing good enough many times with some people if I don't rip into them or let them know what I REALLY think. Yet, David chose to honor someone's life...a life that was seeking to kill him. Killing Saul would have provided for David safety, prestige (he was next in line to king), and immediate gratification. But David chose the hard way. How many times do I run for safety, prestige, or immediate gratification?

Day 30:: Trusting

Soundtrack: "Help Me Believe" by Nichole Nordeman

I'm actually surprised by how easily Saul is convinced by David in this old, familiar story. I mean, he was right about Goliath and David probably looked like a joke volunteering to fight him. Yet, Saul responded to David's faith and confidence with faith of his own. We always think of David as the hero here but Saul also had to put his nation into a little boy's hands. Talk about trusting God and others! I am not sure I would have reacted with the faith and trust Saul did, and God's ministry through David would have been hindered. Instead, I might have responded with worry, concern, or anxiety. God not only wants us to trust His heart but also His work in the lives of other people.

I experience small anxieties on a regular basis...I am kind of a worrier. I need to learn to STOP when my heart grows anxious, identify the source of the anxiety, picture that source as a wave in the ocean (as Solo suggested) and then picture Jesus walking on that wave. I like this idea, because you don't have to wish or imagine the source of the anxiety away (because the circumstances may not disappear or improve), but you can stop to remember that Christ has the power to rise above those things, and I need to remember He can carry me through.

Carry me, Jesus.

Day 29:: Bowing

Soundtrack: "You Are All I Need" by Bethany Dillon

I feel like Samuel sometimes, frustrated by others who don't trust God's Truth and try to convince or lead people elsewhere. But just as quickly, I can become the Israelites - wanting to blend in and be like everyone else. I know God gives us differences as His children for a reason; we weren't meant to "blend in. When I tried to fill in the "I want to be like _________" blank, I didn't have anything specific to write down at first. I don't have a specific role model in my life right now (even when I have longed for one), but I finally realized I could easily fill it in with "the world." How often do I want to have the things the world has, or look like the world, or live like the world? How often have I wanted to let the world rule my life instead of allowing God to be my King? It sounds so silly, but here it is again...the eternal struggle of TRUST.

Lord, help me embrace you as my King all of the time and live confidently as you have created me to live.

Day 27:: Hearing

Soundtrack: "Come and Listen" by David Crowder* Band

It's crazy to think Samuel could actually HEAR God's actual, audible voice (as we so often long to) but couldn't recognize it. Today, God speaks to us in other ways normally than an audible voice and we often need help to recognize it still...We really do need help from other Christians we trust in deciphering His voice. I love how SOLO pointed out that Eli had to point out to Samuel that it was God speaking; Samuel didn't know! (And he was a priest-in-training!) Let us allow God to use one another in our lives!!!

Day 26:: Welcoming

(Late to blog again, sorry)

Soundtrack: "Love is Here" by Tenth Avenue North

"Daughter": He is calling her family, despite the fact that he didn't have to...he is embracing her as his own and seeing the beauty in what God has done through her. He had heard of her goodness.

Strangers in my life might be youth on the fringe becaue they don't fit in or are different in some way. They might be extended family members that I feel so FOREIGN to in every way except the fact that in some way, we are related. I need to be able to embrace these people as my own, allow them truly to be family to me.

God, allow Michael and I to have a home that can be a home to any. Let us be able to embrace the stranger and alien with your love. Thank you for Your example in Jesus. Help our home be a Grace Place for all. Give me an awareness and attentiveness to the stranger. Give me the courage to embrace.

Day 25:: Killing

Soundtrack: "Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot

To be honest, I struggled with not comparing this story more with Columbine. I kept asking myself, "Since when does God say its okay for victims to kill others and then themselves...no matter what the reason?"

Was God interacting here, like it asked us to consider? Was he really supporting this out of His justice? And if so, why does Samson get to pick what he does and what happens? Why doesn't God challenge Him to forgive? Maybe He is simply letting Samson have his way...or maybe this is supposed to be a picture of God's justice on sinners and compassion for His followers at the same time. Either way, today was a struggle for me.

Yet, now that I think about it...maybe this is part of why Jesus had to come...to show how to live the unjust life with patience and virtue...to show how to forgive instead of find revenge...to ask God to be the God of justice on Judgment Day but find compassion while on Earth. I still find it sad that Samson wished for his own death. Painful, in fact. He was in pain, though, so much pain he wanted to DIE...because of these people, these horrible Philistines. And so, surprisingly, and in a funny way, I see this beautiful love story interspersed of how God loved Samson enough to "look on him again" and "give him the strength" to destroy these Pagan people. The Old Testament really is a place where I connect with our jealous God who doesn't put up with people who blatantly choose not to follow His ways.

Lord, look on me again and give me the strength to follow you all of my days.

Day 24:: Laying

Soundtrack: "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real

Laying prostrate before the Lord tonight was probably the best thing I have done in my spiritual life this entire week. Parts of me are broken inside, and I belong before the Lord.

That is all.

Day 23:: Taking Credit

(Sorry I am late).

Soundtrack: "It's All For You" by Cloverton

God didn't want there to be one chance that Gideon or his soldiers could credit themselves with a victory. He wanted the battle to be about His power, and so it was.

I think I try to go it alone a lot. I try to do good things FOR God (leaving me with a pat on the back) instead of letting God do good things THROUGH me (leaving Him with all the credit). In ministry (for me), it seems like every day is trade-off between these two. I am so inconsistent and am constantly facing the temptation to do things that make me look good or feel good or just are good - instead of doing things with the purpose to glorify God.

I have learned this lesson in HUGE ways this year and have felt at many times like Gideon...God stripping away everything in my life I could call my own or take any credit for...or areas I could claim spiritual "success" - what is that, anyway?

I am excited to watch the areas of HUGE things only God can do and see how He moves. I won't be surprised if it is ways I don't expect, either.

Day 22:: Wanting

Soundtrack: "Center" by Passion

For me, today was all about wanting...not necessarily living. I am still trying to figure out the transition between the two. How do I move from WANTING to live a life that fully worships and celebrates who God is to LIVING that kind of life? The human heart wants to be good many times but can't. We stand incapable of encountering God's righteousness...without His grace.

The Israelites remind me of Peter (who I most identify with out of the 12)...overzealous to overcommit with little follow-through. They want to say the right things and then live how they want. They want to say "God you are our God!" while they haven't let go of their foreign gods. This is an issue God doesn't take very well. He won't take lightly our fickle, wishy-washy behaviors and distractions. He's serious about them. Joshua makes them their own witnesses to their commitment so perhaps they could feel the weight of their words and understand what it means to make God their Lord.

Part of me wants to roll my eyes at Israel again while the other part of me is rooting for them. Afterall, they are just like me. I sing words (sincerely) to God in worship, journal commitments, make decisions...all for God and then so many times falter on what I have said. I feel like my heart is always like the Israelites here - wanting to worship God alone for all He's done...yet I need to come without qualification and with a pure heart (which I don't always do).

God, you know that so many times I come to worship you, I haven't left my false gods behind. So many times, I am just like Peter - screaming my love for you but not living out the love commitment of every second of every day. But God, I believe my heart is pure right now...I want to worship YOU! I want my life to be a picture of what it means to serve you and live for you. Show me how I can make this an "unqualified yes?" Show me what I need to get rid of...
-The pride that turns to insecruity
-The pride that leads to resentment
-The pride that leads to trusting myself
Show me the road away from these false gods today, Lord.

Day 20:: Inquiring

Soundtrack: "Come and Listen" by David Crowder* Band

I talked with God about some pretty serious attachments tonight and one thing I realized is that I often make these unhealthy attachments at emotionally vulnerable times. For instance, when I am feeling insecure, I become susceptible to attachments that artificially "fulfill" that insecurity. When I am feeling restless, bored, or insignificant, I attach myself to things that will give me a temporary sense of worth or purpose. Obviously, if I talked to God about any of these things in the first place, my focus would be reset, my vision would be clear, and my attachment would be primarily to Christ.

I loved the challenge today to INQUIRE of God. It really implies that we just don't know ANYTHING (which is true) until we humble ourselves enough to ASK the one who does. I definitely need to make a habit of coming to God for His thoughts, instead of being so quick always to share my own. Out of humility, I need to care what God says more than the world. I long to be so closely connected to Christ that I attach myself to only things that reflect Him.

You are our God of wisdom and grace.

Day 19:: Securing

There has to be some responses left out of this story, right? I mean, Joshua was just thrown into something HUGE & HARD & SCARY, and I bet whoever his best friend or wife was, they heard about it. If he was anything like me as a human, he would have felt inadequate for the job, fearful of the outcome, and unexcited about jumping into a series of battles. This is the cycle I live in when I am not trusting in the Lord: inadequacy, fear, disillusionment. I realized today, though, how insulting that is to God! He made me for His purpose and never promised an easy road; yet, there I sit and question Him!

So many of my fears are found in a sea of insecurity. Yikes! Today, I can be reminded not only to take His strength and courage but also remember WHO I was created by, my infinite worth in Him, and His capabilities through me.

God, remind me of your promise...that you are always with me and you will give me YOUR strength. Remind me that the purpose you have called me to is greater than my fear and your life in me is strong enough for anything.

Day 18:: Obeying

Soundtrack: "Take My Life" (Chris Tomlin)

Obedience. It doesn't earn us good standing with God or guarantee our salvation. It DOES show a Mighty God that we are serious about His ways...that we are going to follow Him with commitment and dedication. Therefore, our disobedience represents not only lack of commitment and dedication to follow the ways of a Mighty God but also a lack of trust (PRIDE) and lack of care (APATHY).

God allows consequences to be a natural part of our life so we can learn from our mistakes but also so we can be humbled. And sometimes it stinks. Like it did for Moses. If pride is behind disobedience (which I believe it is), then humility should LEAD to obedience.

God, may my life stop being orderly and pretty in my eyes and be full of wreckless obedience toward you...no matter what that means. May my words and actions be less of me and more of you. May I understand what it means to really be set apart and to allow Your holiness to change me. You've provided for me all these places in my life to grow in humility and holiness...may I embrace those, instead of pursuing my own happiness.

Today's Solo reminded me of a song from my childhood: O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E - Obedience is the very best way to show what you believe.