Day 69 & 70:: Interacting with God (in the silence & awe)

Day 69:: Interacting with God in the Silence (I did it yesterday, typing today)
I have felt this way before...that in the middle of a situation, circumstance, or decision that I desperately need the Lord's direction, help, or WORDS for...I hear nothing, I feel nothing, and I think I have nothing. But that is where I go wrong. For I have everything. I have the assurance that my God is still God, that my God is good in the middle of that very situation or circumstance and whatever decision I make....that my God is sovereign in spite of my inefficiencies. What I learn most from Job here is to know that God is there and actually to BE WITH HIM in the silence. I might not know WHY He's not talking, but I can know He's there...being exactly who I need at that moment. After all, he is the one who knows what I need...I am not.

Day 70:: Interacting with God in Awe
What a beautiful version of the Creation Story! What an amazing and wonderful and powerful and might and HOLY God we serve. I am also completely humbled by this story. Where was I when God created the world? I was a mere tiny tiny part of that creation. Will I continue to let Him be the Creator and Maker of my world and my story...or do I crowd in with my own doubts, questions, and pride...asking God what HE is doing. He's the one that made my heart pump blood to every part of my body which makes my brain work that includes much more complexity than I can comprehend...you would think I could always trust Him with the little things.

Day 68:: Realizing

So my entire day has revolved around a situation I felt cheated in, a situation I felt to be UNJUST, something that I built the biggest pity party EVER around...

...and then I did my Solo. Wow. My cries for justice are literally drowneded out. Still valid. But drownded. "They rip off the poor...exploit the unfortunate...they shiver through the cold nights...the infants of the poor are kidnapped and sold." Oh, life could be worse. Instead of begging for a fair shake, I could be begging for LIFE or FOOD or SHELTER or a CHANCE.

I think because God found me HERE...totally absorbed in my own needs and "pain," He was able to open my heart to the raw needs around me. Those who need God's justice in their life, but need me to be His instrument of justice and peace. There are those without food that I could feed. There are those without parents that I could parent. There are those without new clothes that I could clothe. There are those who are hurting that I could comfort.

Too many days I spend so concerned on my own life being justified I miss all those around me that need HIS justice flowing from ME.

Day 66 & 67:: Talking & Comforting

Day 66: (forgot to blog) -- "Oh dear friends, take pity on me! God has come down hard on me! Do you have to be hard on me, too? Don't you ever tire of abusing me?"

This was really neat to read in the Message translation and to hear Job's pleas with his friends to let God be his convictor, judge, and ruler...and for them to be his...friends. The thing is, God (by His very holy nature) is in charge of conviction and ruling the circumstances of our lives. Too many times we as humans try to be God in the lives of those around us...we try to create conviction in their hearts, we try to preach the "truth," when all we are really doing is compounding the situation and leaving our "friends" hurting even more, battered and torn.

I also find it AWESOME that Job just happened to say "If only my words were written in a book..." I am SO GLAD they were.

Day 67: I do NOT know what to say to grieving, suffering people. I don't have enough words, wisdom, or knowledge. I'm not really sure who really does. So, when we're sitting across the table or on the couch with the person who is out-of-their-mind in grief or suffering, we have this choice...to fill the air with words (that usually, by the way, come out condescending, cliche, heartless, or empty) or to sit quietly (yes, maybe awkwardly) and just be with the person...continue to love the person...cry with the person...feel the pain of the person in your own heart. Usually, I think, to avoid discomfort of our own (ironically) or awkward pauses, we fill the silence with some "wisdom" we can drum up or something we've heard off of a movie. I think, if we were more concerned with how God wants to use us in that situation and focusing on the person and THEIR pain, God would be able to show us the doors into their heart...their hearts of emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical pain...and He will give us the GIFT of empathy to enter their world, and He will give us the words (if any) to say and the actions (if any) to take, and He WILL use us...if we are trusting Him...and ready...and willing to be focused on someone other than ourselves.

Day 65:: Lamenting

What I find most interesting about this passage is that Job never loses sight of God's holiness. In his pain, he might lose sight of God's love, justice, mercy, or purpose, but He does not let go of WHO GOD IS. I am encouraged by Job's honesty, and it helps me to see transparently into exactly what he is feeling. He's hurting big-time, and he doesn't know why. He can't see the other side, and he can't imagine the Lord's purposes yet. Who could. But he is still completely aware and completely all about God's holiness - that He is supreme, that He alone is strong, that He alone has a power and wisdom to rock your face off. And I think that's what I need to know right now. That's what we all need to hang on to. We're all going to be in a lot of pain at some point. We're all going to ask why. We're all going to think something is completely and utterly unfair, but will we still believe God is GOD?

P.S. DtO

We're talking about Job this week :) at DtO...as well as Psalm, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon...but a little bit of Job.

Day 64:: Comforting

Hope.
"He wounds, but he also dresses the wound."

Redemption.
"The same hand that hurts you, heals you."

Provision.
"He'll keep you...you'll be protected...live fearlessly."

May I speak the words of HOPE and REDEMPTION and God's holy PROVISION to those around me through YOUR LOVE, O God.

Day 62:: Showing Off

This is the first time I have thought of it like this but it seems like God is actually proud of Job and showing him to Satan as a masterpiece - like, "You don't think I have life-chaning power? Have you seen Job?"

God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed.
These would be incredibly difficult words to say in Job's position or in the middle of loss. But they are beautiful...and healing...and necessary...faith in God's GOODNESS in ALL circumstances.

Day 61:: Roaring

The king ROARED.

The king ROARED for Esther and for her plea and for her people.

My King will ROAR for me. Aslan will ROAR for justice always.

Day 60: Getting Sidetracked

Haman was so worried about getting affirmation from others he did not have a full awareness of himself or his situation. He was looking to his "outer world" so much to fill him up, he couldn't stop and examine his "inner world" and the trouble he was in. We can say he was preoccupied with Mordecai, but really, what it boils down to...is that Haman was preoccupied with fulfilling his own selfish desires SO MUCH that he could not have one moment to examine his own filthy heart. Because of this, he was days away from hanging on his own gallows.

How do I - how do you - spend so much time building gallows for others that we don't realize that is right where we are headed? How much time do I - do you - spend looking for acceptance or affirmation from others before I examine or consider the acceptance from the Lord? How often am I more interested in having others' favor or even others' imperfections before I examine the mess I am in myself? I think THAT was Haman's downfall. Mordecai wouldn't bow down and he let another person's choice and action eat him alive so much that he never stopped to look at who he had become in the process.

Lord, thank you we have the opportunity to practice self-awareness. Thank you that we CAN stop and evaluate where our heart is and where You are. May I never become too preoccupied to be fully aware of my own deficiencies, weaknesses, and needs.

Making Up Blogs - Day 58 & 59

(I have not been feeling well and have neglected to go the basement to type out blogs to go with my Solo...here they are!)

Day 58:
Lord, give me a true and overflowing ZEAL and PASSION for life in You so that the things I do outside of the ordinary are free from my own motivations, selfish ambitions, or deceit and completely full of YOU. Let me be a Nehemiah.

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Day 59:
The phrase that stuck out to me was, "May you were made for..."
Shouldn't we all say this and realize this? Maybe our circumstances are more than they seem. Maybe our situation is for a purpose we can't understand now. Maybe you were made for a bigger reason than you know. Consider it. Ponder it. Let it sink in. When I consider it, ponder it, let it sink in...my entire perspective is new.

Day 57:: Burdening

"What you're doing is wrong. Is there no fear of God left in you? Don't you care what the nations around here, our enemies, think of you?"

How many times have I lived without burden. Lived without the burden of my own wrongdoing, without the burden of the fear of God, without the burden of caring about the people around me, without the burden of representing the LORD to the world?

It is easy to separate yourself emotionally, intellectually, and physically from the repsonsibility and burden that exists in each Christian's life to make a difference and represent God's love to not only the people around us but the rest of the world. It is easy, but it isn't right. It is easy, but it isn't healthy. It is easy, but it is NOT "Your kingdom come..."

Lord, may I continue to carry this burden. May I continue to live with a healthy fear of WHO YOU ARE and WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE and YOUR LOVE FOR THE WORLD.

(I must be honest, I did this after eating two full meals today - a late brunch and dinner....but I plan to do the fasting exercise later this week.)

P.S. I love how we are right on target with the DtO stuff, too. Feel free to come to any of the Main Stages from here on out (they are every other week) where we will be moving on through the rest of the Bible!

Day 55:: Loving Me

Soundtrack: How He Loves & Your Love is Relentless by David Crowder* Band

I love how Ezra comes around (after sharing of his frustration of the sin of the the people) with a simple statement:

YOU ARE A RIGHTEOUS GOD.

I let that sink in.

In contrast to me and I am everyday, God is RIGTHEOUS. And He chooses to keep on loving. THAT is an undeniable miracle of life!

Thank You, Lord!

Day 54:: Coming Back

(Finally Blogging Friday)

We can CHOOSE to make new and different choices than our family or "ancestors." We aren't destined to struggle in the same way. We aren't vicitims of "family histories of..." We can start over today and clasp God's open hand. He will not snub us but welcome with compassion and open arms.

"Our Father in Heaven.
Reveal who You are.
Set the world right.
Do what's best.
As above, so below.
Keep us alive with 3 square meals.
Keep us forgiving and forgiven.
Keep us safe from ourselves & the Devil.
You are in charge.
YOu can do anything You want.
You're ablaze in beauty.
Yes. Yes. Yes."

He can do ANYTHING He wants and CHOOSES to WELCOME me back over and over again.

Retreating

Girls, I will not be blogging tomorrow or Saturday because of the retreat, but will try to catch up on Sunday with my blogging! See you tomorrow!!! :) Love....

Day 53:: Relying

Soundtrack: "Sufficient" by Adie Camp

"You went for help to the king of Aram and didn't ask God for help."

Sometimes I wish (and then quickly take it back) that God was still this forward about our sin, so we could see it and call it like it is...like the times we aren't fully relying on Him. I see them so easily in retrospect but not always in the present. I mean, what if God walked up to every Christian "going for human help when you could have God's help" and set them straight? Life and Christianity would be a lot different. Modern-day Christianity isn't too much about FROG...fully relying on God. It's somehow morphed into something about us. But, when you actually sit down and read the Bible or try to relate to God in life circumstances, He is all about each one of us FULLY relying on HIM...and when you boil it down, that's really about it!

Day 52:: Dedicating

Soundtrack: "It's All For You" by Cloverton (or whatever it is called)

I want to completely dedicate my marriage and role as Michael's wife to You, God. Even though we have done this together before (even publicly at our wedding), I want to do it Solo-style. Anyway, if I were to really view Michael as not belonging to me or "mine" but as God's servant and God's child all-the-time, not only would I be free to be a more loving, less-controlling wife, but I can also make every choice I do unto Michael as if I am doing unto God, because I am. Treating each other like holy vessels - I think that is what marriage is to be like. I dedicate myself to that pursuit.

(Sorry for a non-relating topic, but that is what came out of my Solo this morning...be what it may. Love you girls!)

Day 51:: Giving

"Everything we have is actually only being borrowed from God..." - Solo

Then its not mine to hold onto or be stingy with but its also not mine to waste away carelessly and its certainly not anything I should take credit for.

-but I liked to take credit for our money and what we do with it
-and I am sometimes careless with it
-and sometimes I hold onto it and hoard it

"But who am I...that we should presume to be giving anything to you? Everything comes from You; all we are doing is giving back what we've been given from your generous hand." - David

To me...tonight...this passage has a lot of significance to money, our finances, etc. It is something I am tempted to hoard, waste, or take my own credit for when in actuality, its Yours, God. I am only a channel that you are pouring resources through to reach the world...so when I make it about me or our home and either make selfish choices or begin to think and act independently of You, I am stealing from others what You so generously want to give.

In my mind, I really LIKE the idea of every cent we make in our home being Yours...but in practice, I try to have ownership (an extension of my control issue) and sometimes find satisfaction or fulfillment in it apart from You. I want to grow so that the most satisfying thing in my life is to be giving it all away...and...it IS...when I do it! So maybe I just need to do it...more.

Day 50:: Shouting

I want people to understand God is well worth praising...that He is completely good, full of grace, completely God. I want to shout it at the prisons and at the jails and at the homeless shelters...freedom for those in bondage.

God, I am so glad you are worth it, that you are enough. I don't know what I would do or what purpose I would have without you.

Day 48:: Linking

Linking arms with others isn't easy. It requires vulnerability, time, selflessness, and honesty. However, life without linking arms is more difficult than it may seem and makes it almost impossible for us to live the way God intended. David's men "helped him become king in just the way God had spoken." We need people who will help us become who God has spoken for us to be. We need people who will walk with us into new territory. We were meant to live in this interdependent way but Satan has skewed our ideas of interdependence with desire for competition, independence, accomplishment, and pride. Satan wants us all to believe that life is not about relationships.

God, I am weary and insecure in new relationships. They are scary and require so much of my energy. However, you want me to have Truth-speakers and Love-sharers and Grace-endowers in my life.